The last couple of weeks have been hectic. Paper deadlines, tests, exams, classes, work, more papers, more studying. I've had a friend going through a really crazy time so have spent a lot of time on the phone & skyping to support them, and been feeling a little overwhelmed by some ethical issues discussed in a class. Then following the news and praying with friends for the situation with Megan Stammers (15yr old from Eastbourne, where I lived, who ran away with her 30yr old married teacher). I felt like a hamster racing faster and faster and getting nowhere - all the while pushing aside some philosophical issues that have been bubbling up. Then this afternoon, once I had submitted my papers, attended the necessary meetings and gotten some work done, I got down to some housework and listening to some 80's music. When I took a break to catch up on emails, I wasn't prepared for all that hit me.
I found out that two of my friends knew people killed in today's plane crash in Nepal. One friends is a family friend of passenger Ben Ogden (27), another friend had worked with and been on hiking expeditions with passenger Tim Oakes (57). Shocking and horrible news that takes your breath away. It reminded me of the day I heard about a family friend who had been killed in a plane crash in Zimbabwe in 2008. It brought a bitter taste to my mouth as I recalled the moment I knew my Dad had passed away and the surreal, pain-filled and torturous days afterwards. As my one friend posted on facebook "Life is so fragile..."
With all that is going on in the world, why do we let busy-ness get the better of us? Why is it so important to do more, get more done, achieve more, learn more, do better, get better, fit better? Is there a point where we need to just stop, reflect and regain perspective? Is it only when death slams into our lives and rips away someone who was precious, that we stop and look for God, that we remember how brief life is? [I say 'we', I'm more venting at myself]
In all my questions over the last few months about my future, what country I want to live & work in, what direction my career will go in, what classes would be best for my GPA....in all these questions I've neglected the wonder of the cross. No I'm not someone who says that "Jesus is the answer to everything" - but I forgot how refreshing it is, to sit still, to read John 14-21 and see Jesus' perspective on my life.
Life is so much more than the deadlines looming, the weeds I have to tackle before I get allergies or the studying for tests and writing papers that all has to be done this weekend.
Life is for living every fragile day with perspective and with hope
Friday, 28 September 2012
Saturday, 15 September 2012
An epiphany from a sore thumb
The last three weekends have been exhausting. I had busy weeks and then something happens each Saturday; first it was the car crash, the next weekend I got some sort of virus that had me bedridden and this weekend I've been rushing around like crazy, frustrated at how some things worked out in the way I was hoping they wouldn't....and then I sliced my thumb open on a piece of metal. I cried. Why do things like this always happen when I'm busy and stressed and need things to go smoothly?
After collapsing on the sofa (I'm actually house-sitting for someone who has a pretty awesome sofa) and wondering how I was going to muster the motivation to get back to the "Everest" of school work. After allowing myself a treat of watching a Friends episode that happened to be on TV. I shut it off and went back to my computer. I opened up one of my psychology textbooks and started reading from where I had left off. It's a social psychology textbook (talking about the assumptions we make about other people) and this particular section was talking about "Responsibility Diffusion" - where we are in a situation where we should probably take some responsibility but because others are there we assume that they will. An example it gave was about when Princess Diana's car crashed apparently the 9 paparazzi who were immediately "on the scene" all had phones. Only one put down his camera long enough to place a call for help. The others explained that they all assumed someone else had already called. What does this have to do with my slicing my thumb? Well....perspective.
As I looked at the picture in my textbook of the crumpled car, I felt like God was sitting down next to me and saying "Slow down Tash, stop trying to be everything and do everything. Focus on what is at hand and on living the way that I ask you to." I had to stop and take a moment. Yeah, a cut on my thumb really hurts, but if I let these things build up and become something that they're not, if I keep collecting memories of these offenses where the world seems to conspire against me - then I'm not going to be any good at the job I'm aiming to do.
I learned this summer while hiking out West that when these moments of 'epiphany' come, it's good for my soul, for my emotions, for my mental state, to take time out and cogitate on what I've been taught. I started thinking about when I first thought about psychology as a career and what 'attracted' me to the field of Trauma Psychology. The anniversary being so close, it was the events of 11 September 2001 that I believe first struck me with this. When unbelievable evil strikes in the world, when it seems that hatred is rife, when nation rises up against nation, when death seems to be conquering --that's when God needs His people to be His hands and feet, His voice of Hope, His fatherly arms, His sheltering wings. I've seen dozens of documentaries, youtube clips and raw-footage of the attacks that day - and each time, I see them, I want to reach out and offer practical support, a hug or a shoulder to those trying to live with the after-effects. Right now, because in the grand scheme of things I'm a student and have zilch in terms of qualifications, my only option is to pray for those survivors who remember the emergency workers and colleagues who didn't make it out, those New Yorkers battling cancer and various diseases from the collapse of the towers & buildings, pray for those who had loved ones killed in these attacks, and pray for those making decisions today about the interaction with other nations (be it political, humanitarian or military). I also pray for the psychologists out there who are working in this field of Trauma. That they would continue to see good in the world, to see positive outcomes in people's lives and to see God's love....so that they can bring hope to the dark places.
My thumb is okay, my homework awaits and I know that I needed to remember the pain of those people who need loving arms, kind words and a Mighty God - and who need me to work diligently, stay focused and get good grades so that one day I can be licensed. But above all that, I need to not let the little things bug me and I need to look for the good things in life so that one day, I can be there for someone who is caught up in a catastrophe and needs me to bring hope.
That's a motivating thought, both in terms of staying positive and also getting on with that homework!
After collapsing on the sofa (I'm actually house-sitting for someone who has a pretty awesome sofa) and wondering how I was going to muster the motivation to get back to the "Everest" of school work. After allowing myself a treat of watching a Friends episode that happened to be on TV. I shut it off and went back to my computer. I opened up one of my psychology textbooks and started reading from where I had left off. It's a social psychology textbook (talking about the assumptions we make about other people) and this particular section was talking about "Responsibility Diffusion" - where we are in a situation where we should probably take some responsibility but because others are there we assume that they will. An example it gave was about when Princess Diana's car crashed apparently the 9 paparazzi who were immediately "on the scene" all had phones. Only one put down his camera long enough to place a call for help. The others explained that they all assumed someone else had already called. What does this have to do with my slicing my thumb? Well....perspective.
As I looked at the picture in my textbook of the crumpled car, I felt like God was sitting down next to me and saying "Slow down Tash, stop trying to be everything and do everything. Focus on what is at hand and on living the way that I ask you to." I had to stop and take a moment. Yeah, a cut on my thumb really hurts, but if I let these things build up and become something that they're not, if I keep collecting memories of these offenses where the world seems to conspire against me - then I'm not going to be any good at the job I'm aiming to do.
I learned this summer while hiking out West that when these moments of 'epiphany' come, it's good for my soul, for my emotions, for my mental state, to take time out and cogitate on what I've been taught. I started thinking about when I first thought about psychology as a career and what 'attracted' me to the field of Trauma Psychology. The anniversary being so close, it was the events of 11 September 2001 that I believe first struck me with this. When unbelievable evil strikes in the world, when it seems that hatred is rife, when nation rises up against nation, when death seems to be conquering --that's when God needs His people to be His hands and feet, His voice of Hope, His fatherly arms, His sheltering wings. I've seen dozens of documentaries, youtube clips and raw-footage of the attacks that day - and each time, I see them, I want to reach out and offer practical support, a hug or a shoulder to those trying to live with the after-effects. Right now, because in the grand scheme of things I'm a student and have zilch in terms of qualifications, my only option is to pray for those survivors who remember the emergency workers and colleagues who didn't make it out, those New Yorkers battling cancer and various diseases from the collapse of the towers & buildings, pray for those who had loved ones killed in these attacks, and pray for those making decisions today about the interaction with other nations (be it political, humanitarian or military). I also pray for the psychologists out there who are working in this field of Trauma. That they would continue to see good in the world, to see positive outcomes in people's lives and to see God's love....so that they can bring hope to the dark places.
My thumb is okay, my homework awaits and I know that I needed to remember the pain of those people who need loving arms, kind words and a Mighty God - and who need me to work diligently, stay focused and get good grades so that one day I can be licensed. But above all that, I need to not let the little things bug me and I need to look for the good things in life so that one day, I can be there for someone who is caught up in a catastrophe and needs me to bring hope.
That's a motivating thought, both in terms of staying positive and also getting on with that homework!
Tuesday, 4 September 2012
"You need margins in your life..."
It has been a ka-ray-zee weekend. I have been pushing myself to work longer hours and get the school work done, telling myself that when Labor Day weekend arrived (a public holiday in the USA), I would be able to ease off everything, catch up on sleep and get a little more sanity in my life. Well. That didn't happen. Between a long list of homework assignments, working two jobs which both had significant 'happenings' this weekend and a car wreck (skidding in the down pouring remnants of Hurricane Isaac) - there was more added to my plate than I could cope with. I found myself freaking out about how to handle the situation - it pushed me to even contemplate dropping school FOREVER (dramatic tone!). Fortunately, I have some family & friends who kindly but firmly reminded me that a) Don't make decisions when you're in shock and feeling emotional, b) Being a student involves times like this but persisting on this path is TOTALLY worth it and c) It is possible to tighten the belt a bit and cover these extra expenses and still remain sane, if you know your boundaries and priorities.
Cue a conversation with one of my professors today. She knew about my car crash and was checking I was okay and I asked her for her thoughts on all my musings from the weekend and my feelings of despondency. During our conversation she reminded me about what she termed 'margins' (aka "Wiggle Room" "Safety Nets") -
You often hear people talk about guarding your boundaries in life, and I thought that's what she meant when she said that I needed "margins" in my life. After a little further discussion, this was the analogy she used - you know when people have a swimming pool in their yard and they build a fence around it to keep children/animals from the dangers of drowning--well, you don't build the fence on the edge of the pool, you build it a couple feet away from the edge so that if the child/animal somehow manages to get over the fence, there is still a MARGIN of protection. Perhaps another example is where people say having the equivalent of 3 months salaries/$1000 in an emergency savings account would be a margin.
The conversation moved on and brought some helpful answers to issues I needed to address, including a reminder to ask for help and accept help from those willing to give it (a lesson I still need to learn). In particular, it was great to remember that there are steps I can take to give myself 'margins' financially, spiritually, socially, emotionally and every other kind of ally!
Cue a conversation with one of my professors today. She knew about my car crash and was checking I was okay and I asked her for her thoughts on all my musings from the weekend and my feelings of despondency. During our conversation she reminded me about what she termed 'margins' (aka "Wiggle Room" "Safety Nets") -
You often hear people talk about guarding your boundaries in life, and I thought that's what she meant when she said that I needed "margins" in my life. After a little further discussion, this was the analogy she used - you know when people have a swimming pool in their yard and they build a fence around it to keep children/animals from the dangers of drowning--well, you don't build the fence on the edge of the pool, you build it a couple feet away from the edge so that if the child/animal somehow manages to get over the fence, there is still a MARGIN of protection. Perhaps another example is where people say having the equivalent of 3 months salaries/$1000 in an emergency savings account would be a margin.
The conversation moved on and brought some helpful answers to issues I needed to address, including a reminder to ask for help and accept help from those willing to give it (a lesson I still need to learn). In particular, it was great to remember that there are steps I can take to give myself 'margins' financially, spiritually, socially, emotionally and every other kind of ally!
Monday, 27 August 2012
Who Influences You?
With my psychology classes well underway, we are delving into some hot topics, debatable issues and areas where strong opinions are held. One of the classes I am most excited about is called "Social Psychology" where we look at the social influences in virtually every sphere a person comes into contact with. The professor has some rather firm views about how we have been shaped and influenced, he admits he is a 'social determinist' and believes we are all the products of social influences we have had. You are not democratic or republican because of what you think of Obama or Romney - you are democratic or republican because the people in your life who you hold in highest esteem have persuaded you that one of these is the 'right party'.
Anyone who has ever been through a class with me knows I object to anything that is taught as a black-and-white issue. I queried whether he thinks we have any sort of personalized filtering system that would balance out what people around us say, and our own moral compass or self-governing questions. He politely pointed out that the very fact I asked this question highlights my own social experience of being around highly academic people who don't accept the first offering of information, but rather question and seek truth. Well....I couldn't argue with that. It's true! I have been influenced by people who are often termed "over thinkers" or "philosophers".
It made me wonder if that's one of the reasons I find it so hard to make a life decision. It took me the best part of eight years to decide what sort of profession I would want to go into - and even now I still question it. Where are the lines between thinking carefully and over-thinking, between contemplating thoroughly and over-analyzing? In recent years, although I love learning, I have found myself more and more frustrated and I wonder if it's because I refuse to accept something at face value. I always try to find the best way, or the most efficient process or the most comprehensive route....and while this is a fantastic work ethic, is it possible to sustain a life like this?
While there are many unanswerable questions, maybe it's worth taking some time out over the next few months to consider who are the people who have influenced the way I think. I know the few minutes I spent on this thought today certainly surprised me - of course my parents, my brother (and sister-in-law) and family all influenced me. What of my friends? My peers through school? How did what they say/do, whether kind or mean, how did that influence me. Are there things I need to let go of in order to progress? Are there things I need to re-learn in order to advance? Don't panic! I'm not going to self-analyze, but I do think taking some time to reflect and see what unhealthy baggage I might be carrying around with me or what lessons I could learn from people who had a positive influence on me. I'm also paying attention to the fact that I should be aware of who I am spending my time with, who can influence me --there are some pretty amazing people here in Ohio who I'm sure could have a positive influence if I let them!
Anyone who has ever been through a class with me knows I object to anything that is taught as a black-and-white issue. I queried whether he thinks we have any sort of personalized filtering system that would balance out what people around us say, and our own moral compass or self-governing questions. He politely pointed out that the very fact I asked this question highlights my own social experience of being around highly academic people who don't accept the first offering of information, but rather question and seek truth. Well....I couldn't argue with that. It's true! I have been influenced by people who are often termed "over thinkers" or "philosophers".
It made me wonder if that's one of the reasons I find it so hard to make a life decision. It took me the best part of eight years to decide what sort of profession I would want to go into - and even now I still question it. Where are the lines between thinking carefully and over-thinking, between contemplating thoroughly and over-analyzing? In recent years, although I love learning, I have found myself more and more frustrated and I wonder if it's because I refuse to accept something at face value. I always try to find the best way, or the most efficient process or the most comprehensive route....and while this is a fantastic work ethic, is it possible to sustain a life like this?
While there are many unanswerable questions, maybe it's worth taking some time out over the next few months to consider who are the people who have influenced the way I think. I know the few minutes I spent on this thought today certainly surprised me - of course my parents, my brother (and sister-in-law) and family all influenced me. What of my friends? My peers through school? How did what they say/do, whether kind or mean, how did that influence me. Are there things I need to let go of in order to progress? Are there things I need to re-learn in order to advance? Don't panic! I'm not going to self-analyze, but I do think taking some time to reflect and see what unhealthy baggage I might be carrying around with me or what lessons I could learn from people who had a positive influence on me. I'm also paying attention to the fact that I should be aware of who I am spending my time with, who can influence me --there are some pretty amazing people here in Ohio who I'm sure could have a positive influence if I let them!
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Songs That Changed Me This Summer
Through the summer, I realized the powerful words that musician have used to express themselves and how I can relate to that. Several people I know have written songs/albums that inspired me and deeply moved me during the summer. These five songs changed my life this summer and to their writers I am grateful for helping me pour out my heart and grow from the experiences I've been through.
Mark Tedder - Pilgrim's Journey
"Take me deeper than the healing, further than the grieving, Jesus. Wake me, make more more than ever, hungry for your prensence first love"
Amy Duren - Rest
"Rest, lay your head down, the battle has been won, you no longer are bound, so won't you sit, sit with me. I will give you rest if you will find rest in me. I was with you in the desert, I'll be there when you rise on the mountain, my child one thing is certain, I will and have and always loved you...."
Al Gordon - Glorious
"You are the one I love, you're glorious, you have won my heart, you're glorious...face to face my life unveiled I worship you, you're my everlasting life, your glory captivates with brilliance brighter than the morning sun..."
Vicky Beeching - Break Our Hearts
"It's time for us to live the songs we sing, and turn our good intentions into actions, to bring the kind of worship you desire, and move beyond our self-absorbed distractions...break our hearts with the things that break your's, wake us up to see through your eyes..."
Andy Bromley - Love Mercy
"You have shown us what is good, through the message of your Son; show justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God...."
The Summer That Got Me Back...
Over the last few years, my life has taken some dramatic turns. Never mind all the sordid details, but enough to say, I had my heart broken, I left friends & family in England to move to Ohio to start school, and my father happened to pass away unexpectedly a few short days before I had been due to move. I delayed my 'migration plans' for a few months, and then made the leap across the Atlantic. While I thought I was coping, several other dramatic circumstances pushed me to the limit of my coping skills. Those who witnessed my distress at the time may even say I was beyond my coping skills. With the love and support of a couple wise & mature women in a minuscule town called Cedarville, I began to grapple my way back to sanity. Despite all that was going on, I had maintained an above average GPA and made a good impression with my professors who saw that I was eager to apply the textbook lessons to my own life and learn important lessons - such us never giving up HOPE, learning the critical importance of knowing when to ask for help, being willing to engage in complicated and philosophical discussions and working towards a physically and mentally 'healthy' lifestyle.
After an exhausting three, maybe four years, this past summer I found myself unexpectedly jobless and emotionally drained. I had signed up for a class through my university which was an option for completing a "required class" for all students, and it involved travelling around the Western United States, learning about Geology. A similar option was to go to Hawaii and many more students opted to take that class or an online option...there were a mere five of us students and one professor on this journey. We met in Salt Lake City, Utah in early May and for two weeks traveled to points of interest and along roadways of interest. We hiked insane trails and meandered through wilderness, snow-capped mountains and calderas. Our trip took us from Utah, through Colorado, Wyoming, Nebraska, South Dakota, Montana and Idaho. We visited famous landmarks such as Dinosaur National Park, The Rocky Mountains, The Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park and Antelope Island (we saw approximately 30 different major sites but I'm not going to list them all now!) As we journeyed, I began to appreciate what the "First Nations" (aka American Indians) treasure so much about the land. After hiking for 3 hours on a mountain side that feels like a 90 degree verticle angle, you begin to shed the mental burdens you had been carrying for months. Your physical exhaustion, brings emotions that were deeply suppressed, right back up to the surface where you have to deal with them. This trip was a test of my stamina (having never done serious hiking before), and I came out of it mentally refreshed and recalling my place in the world - a steward, a small piece in a cosmic story, and a dearly loved child of God.
Returning from this trip, I met with some ladies who had been supporting me since I moved to Ohio - they encouraged me even more. While some tough decisions needed to be made about how I was going to prioritize things in my life, I found that I had rediscovered my humor (something I inherited from my Dad, it's distinctly witty and often warped), and my appreciation for the small, little, random things in life. Like a tiny yellow flower that springs up next to my doorstep amid the thousands of weeds that have taken over our apartment complex. (reminding me to persevere, to hold fast to my beliefs and to resist being overwhelmed).
A few weeks before the end of summer I had an amazing opportunity to visit my brother & sister-in-law in Michigan, who let me blend into their lives for 10 days and enjoy simple pleasures, such as playing with their border collie, trying out various 'international' foods, trying out classes at the gym my sister-in-law just got membership to, walking around a lake near where my brother played soccer. Simple pleasures and a lot of relaxing and just being family. They took some time out to help and advise me on some issues (you know, the whole 'being a broke student and wanting to live like a millionaire' thing), and I left their home feeling excited and ready for school and the adventures that awaited me.
In the last two weeks since getting back to Cedarville, things have quite literally moved faster than I could keep track of. I ended up having two jobs and have started both. One demands my experience in Human Resources, in Training and in Barista work at a local coffee shop - the other demands my experience in networking, marketing and use of social media for a Personal Fitness Instructor and Web-Marketing Professional who's businesses are taking off at the speed of light. This week I realized how much I appreciate both my jobs (despite the irony that I'm working for one boss who supplies fat & calories, and the other who likes to burn those up! --they do know each other too!), while I'm tired and still adjusting to the demands of both roles, I know that I've done my best for them and I'm loving seeing the potential in both businesses and how I might be able to help them in the months ahead. I've thoroughly enjoyed using skills I established in years gone by, and being challenged to develop new (and updated) skills to benefit my bosses.
As the summer comes to an end, and classes begin on Wednesday, I can't help thinking what an awesome summer I have had. There have been tough moments, and tiring moments, but I have had people invest in me, use my skills, trust me, ask me to help them, depend on me, encourage me, motivate me, teach me and love me. I needed this summer - I feel like I'm back. After a few years of mayhem, the 'me' that I know, who God has known, is back and is growing, maturing and learning. It feels very very good.
After an exhausting three, maybe four years, this past summer I found myself unexpectedly jobless and emotionally drained. I had signed up for a class through my university which was an option for completing a "required class" for all students, and it involved travelling around the Western United States, learning about Geology. A similar option was to go to Hawaii and many more students opted to take that class or an online option...there were a mere five of us students and one professor on this journey. We met in Salt Lake City, Utah in early May and for two weeks traveled to points of interest and along roadways of interest. We hiked insane trails and meandered through wilderness, snow-capped mountains and calderas. Our trip took us from Utah, through Colorado, Wyoming, Nebraska, South Dakota, Montana and Idaho. We visited famous landmarks such as Dinosaur National Park, The Rocky Mountains, The Badlands, Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park and Antelope Island (we saw approximately 30 different major sites but I'm not going to list them all now!) As we journeyed, I began to appreciate what the "First Nations" (aka American Indians) treasure so much about the land. After hiking for 3 hours on a mountain side that feels like a 90 degree verticle angle, you begin to shed the mental burdens you had been carrying for months. Your physical exhaustion, brings emotions that were deeply suppressed, right back up to the surface where you have to deal with them. This trip was a test of my stamina (having never done serious hiking before), and I came out of it mentally refreshed and recalling my place in the world - a steward, a small piece in a cosmic story, and a dearly loved child of God.
Returning from this trip, I met with some ladies who had been supporting me since I moved to Ohio - they encouraged me even more. While some tough decisions needed to be made about how I was going to prioritize things in my life, I found that I had rediscovered my humor (something I inherited from my Dad, it's distinctly witty and often warped), and my appreciation for the small, little, random things in life. Like a tiny yellow flower that springs up next to my doorstep amid the thousands of weeds that have taken over our apartment complex. (reminding me to persevere, to hold fast to my beliefs and to resist being overwhelmed).
A few weeks before the end of summer I had an amazing opportunity to visit my brother & sister-in-law in Michigan, who let me blend into their lives for 10 days and enjoy simple pleasures, such as playing with their border collie, trying out various 'international' foods, trying out classes at the gym my sister-in-law just got membership to, walking around a lake near where my brother played soccer. Simple pleasures and a lot of relaxing and just being family. They took some time out to help and advise me on some issues (you know, the whole 'being a broke student and wanting to live like a millionaire' thing), and I left their home feeling excited and ready for school and the adventures that awaited me.
In the last two weeks since getting back to Cedarville, things have quite literally moved faster than I could keep track of. I ended up having two jobs and have started both. One demands my experience in Human Resources, in Training and in Barista work at a local coffee shop - the other demands my experience in networking, marketing and use of social media for a Personal Fitness Instructor and Web-Marketing Professional who's businesses are taking off at the speed of light. This week I realized how much I appreciate both my jobs (despite the irony that I'm working for one boss who supplies fat & calories, and the other who likes to burn those up! --they do know each other too!), while I'm tired and still adjusting to the demands of both roles, I know that I've done my best for them and I'm loving seeing the potential in both businesses and how I might be able to help them in the months ahead. I've thoroughly enjoyed using skills I established in years gone by, and being challenged to develop new (and updated) skills to benefit my bosses.
As the summer comes to an end, and classes begin on Wednesday, I can't help thinking what an awesome summer I have had. There have been tough moments, and tiring moments, but I have had people invest in me, use my skills, trust me, ask me to help them, depend on me, encourage me, motivate me, teach me and love me. I needed this summer - I feel like I'm back. After a few years of mayhem, the 'me' that I know, who God has known, is back and is growing, maturing and learning. It feels very very good.
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