Friendship and Perspective

For the last three months, I've had people telling me that there are certain things in my life which I "should make a priority." My health, my mental health, my spiritual life, my social life, my career, my studies, this class, that class......and so on. Having worked in jobs where I have multiple managers and bosses at the same time, I thought it would be easy to compartmentalize my life and just give due attention to each section as and when I deemed appropriate. Oh how naive I was.

I now find myself at the start of November, overwhelmed with a backlog of things to do and blogging on a night where I'm feeling ill, exhausted and down right fed up with where I'm at. My apartment is a wreck, and although I've not always been a 'neat freak' I do have a slight Monica-Geller (from the TV show FRIENDS) streak in me, that likes things tidy, easily accessible and organized.  I'm also behind in one class, close to failing another class and so frustrated in one class I can feel my blood boil when the professor talks. I haven't done more than 45 minutes of workout in any given week, since early September and my the Bible study I bought for this semester is sitting on a dusty shelf under a box of papers I have to sort out. I miss my friends and family and have not been able to pay off some debt I wanted to clear by now. Hmm. Yeah. That worked. Then after a week that has been so insane I began wondering if I'd skipped into an alternate universe. 

Fortunately, I've got some amazingly loyal, generous and supportive friends around the world loving on me and I can't state how much it means to me.  Friends in this small town contacted me and said that if I ever need, there are spare rooms for me & my house-mate to spend a night (if we lose heating in the winter for example). My house-mate also managed to sort out the fuse issue and a later discovery of a backed up bath-tub all before I got home from work. I had an email from a friend in Australia who was checking in after the Hurricane Sandy, but also encouraging me to enjoy this hectic time of student-hood and the life lessons being learned here. (some people have a way of saying this and NOT sounding condescending or trite, but loving and supportive).  Then to go one step further, a friend from England sent me a very British card to cheer me up  and remind me that long-distance friendships are very real. (Seriously, if you have a friend on another continent from you, send them a snail-mail card --it makes SUCH a powerful gesture of friendship, even just saying hi and a brief note!) 

I'm so grateful for friends. Perspective comes more easily when you have the tangible support of friends.

While I'm not feeling great physically right now, I know that this weekend allows me a little time to get my apartment in order and tonight I can fish out that Bible study book. One principle that we're learning in psychology is that if you want to start a behaviour but lack the motivation, one way to establish a habit is simply to just start doing it. Once you've done the behaviour a few times, it will become easier to begin and easier to establish as a habit. 

There are so many things that I say I want to do, so I need to start doing them. Perhaps there comes a time when I need to stop analyzing so much and just get on with it. Perhaps some of you who know me are muttering "she finally got it!" :-)  

Sure there are a million questions about life that I want answered, and I want everything to be orderly, simple and manageable ---but they are not, and the longer I sit on my sofa, wishing and willing everything into order, they are not going to be answered or organized.

So, with that, dear friends, I end this blog post.
I'm off to start LIVING!

Surviving The Rat Race

The last few weeks I've been thinking more about how much I dislike being pressured to live such a fast pace of life. I shared with someone recently that I know several people who are on-the-go and working for around 16 to 19 hours a day (yes, sleeping barely five hours a night). The person I told, nodded and said "yeah, that's what a full time job is." I wrote a paper last year for my Health Psychology class looking at the increased pressure for people to work in excess of 100 hours a week, particularly as technology advances and people can work from home - or even in the car. This is not limited to the USA - a friend in Australia was sharing how they'd spent 2 days at an office in one city and had to work on the plane back to their home city and then worked 12 hours as soon as they stepped off the plane. Not only does it scare me, that we are quite literally spending our lives working, but it frustrates me that this is being accepted and even encouraged.

In one of my previous jobs, it was not uncommon for me to have so much work that I was in the office at 7am and leaving shortly before midnight. Yet, when a group of colleagues started having coffee together during lunch hour, we realized that it's not necessary. I remember one colleague (who reads this blog and is a dear friend to this day) suggesting that if we told ourselves that we were only allowed to work one hour of overtime each day, that we'd probably be more careful in how we spend our work hours and we'd also be more protective of our work time. Since that time, I've tried to be the kind of person who can be described as "showing up to work." If I start work at 9am, I'm normally there by 8:45am. I'll spend those 15 mins getting a coffee, saying hellos and getting set up for work so that by 9am I'm diving in and only take breaks at allotted times. Then when it's time to go home, the switch goes off. I'm the person who starts shutting down the computer 5 minutes after the 'end of the day.' That means when I'm home, I'm home mentally and not feeling that maybe I should've stayed to get that last phone call that came in.

There are two BIG problems with this.
1. Managing the expectations of other people - particularly those who "fail to plan" (ie: expect me to help them with their consequential emergency). I've had a lot of people judge me and resent me for my dedication to not working longer hours, and for taking a stroll around the block when "mayhem" is hitting the fan. Of all the things I've learned from my 10 years of working in 'the real world' - everything gets worse when you lose your mental health. There comes a point in every work-related trial, where you have to tell everyone to just hold their horses, while you go take a breath, get away and regain focus and perspective. Some people don't get this - but as a wise friend once told me "You can't make sense of anything when you go cross-eyed".

2. Being a student where I essentially have a "boss" for each class has made this a 'second time round' of the life lesson. My first two years of school were insane. As a couple friends who knew me in my first semester will know - I took on too much and was living at 100mph. Go figure that when real troubles came (like being warned that I was failing a class and having a stressful (!) living situation) that I collapsed, lost my focus and nearly lost my faith. I was so busy accomplishing stuff, I forgot to live. However - this summer - as I shared at the start of this blog, was a turning point. Spending two weeks traversing seven states and seeing the magnificent beauty of the Western States - reminded me that I need to take times to breathe.

This week, I had a lot of emotions about my Dad that distracted me from school. This first half of the semester has been emotionally charged and I've not been doing as well at school work as I should be. With a list of things that have to be done ever increasing, I had to just stop. I stopped pressuring myself, and started getting out in the sun more. I took several long walks and met up with a couple friends. I'm getting school work done, but have much still to do. Ultimately however, I know that giving myself this mental space is wise.

So I'm taking the opportunity to lazily stroll through a park and kick up the autumnal leaves like a child,
to bask in rays of sun shining through the trees in a forested area, to sip a cup of tea and listen to old CD's that got me through teenage years with a strong faith, and even to stop and watch a squirrel hop across the yard with one acorn in his mouth and another in his paws, wondering how many young ones he is providing for this winter.

I know that these moments make me human.
Being human makes me a better student, employee, friend and sister-in-Christ.


Post-Script:
I've been reminded of a song that came out in 2000 but has been re-released by different artists. It's called "I hope you dance" - it meant a lot to me when I had to recover from a "hell-bent heart" and it meant a lot to me when my Dad passed away - and after this summer as I try to live life to the full, the reminder to be in awe, in wonder and to keep dancing....it's all encouraging reminders that there is more to life than trying to please everyone by doing everything.

This fragile life...

The last couple of weeks have been hectic. Paper deadlines, tests, exams, classes, work, more papers, more studying. I've had a friend going through a really crazy time so have spent a lot of time on the phone & skyping to support them, and been feeling a little overwhelmed by some ethical issues discussed in a class. Then following the news and praying with friends for the situation with Megan Stammers (15yr old from Eastbourne, where I lived, who ran away with her 30yr old married teacher).  I felt like a hamster racing faster and faster and getting nowhere - all the while pushing aside some philosophical issues that have been bubbling up. Then this afternoon, once I had submitted my papers, attended the necessary meetings and gotten some work done, I got down to some housework and listening to some 80's music. When I took a break to catch up on emails, I wasn't prepared for all that hit me.

I found out that two of my friends knew people killed in today's plane crash in Nepal. One friends is a family friend of passenger Ben Ogden (27), another friend had worked with and been on hiking expeditions with passenger Tim Oakes (57). Shocking and horrible news that takes your breath away. It reminded me of the day I heard about a family friend who had been killed in a plane crash in Zimbabwe in 2008. It brought a bitter taste to my mouth as I recalled the moment I knew my Dad had passed away and the surreal, pain-filled and torturous days afterwards. As my one friend posted on facebook "Life is so fragile..."

With all that is going on in the world, why do we let busy-ness get the better of us? Why is it so important to do more, get more done, achieve more, learn more, do better, get better, fit better? Is there a point where we need to just stop, reflect and regain perspective? Is it only when death slams into our lives and rips away someone who was precious, that we stop and look for God, that we remember how brief life is? [I say 'we', I'm more venting at myself]

In all my questions over the last few months about my future, what country I want to live & work in, what direction my career will go in, what classes would be best for my GPA....in all these questions I've neglected the wonder of the cross. No I'm not someone who says that "Jesus is the answer to everything" - but I forgot how refreshing it is, to sit still, to read John 14-21 and see Jesus' perspective on my life.
Life is so much more than the deadlines looming, the weeds I have to tackle before I get allergies or the studying for tests and writing papers that all has to be done this weekend.
Life is for living every fragile day with perspective and with hope

An epiphany from a sore thumb

The last three weekends have been exhausting. I had busy weeks and then something happens each Saturday; first it was the car crash, the next weekend I got some sort of virus that had me bedridden and this weekend I've been rushing around like crazy, frustrated at how some things worked out in the way I was hoping they wouldn't....and then I sliced my thumb open on a piece of metal. I cried. Why do things like this always happen when I'm busy and stressed and need things to go smoothly?

After collapsing on the sofa (I'm actually house-sitting for someone who has a pretty awesome sofa) and wondering how I was going to muster the motivation to get back to the "Everest" of school work. After allowing myself a treat of watching a Friends episode that happened to be on TV. I shut it off and went back to my computer. I opened up one of my psychology textbooks and started reading from where I had left off. It's a social psychology textbook (talking about the assumptions we make about other people) and this particular section was talking about "Responsibility Diffusion" - where we are in a situation where we should probably take some responsibility but because others are there we assume that they will. An example it gave was about when Princess Diana's car crashed apparently the 9 paparazzi who were immediately "on the scene" all had phones. Only one put down his camera long enough to place a call for help. The others explained that they all assumed someone else had already called. What does this have to do with my slicing my thumb? Well....perspective.

As I looked at the picture in my textbook of the crumpled car, I felt like God was sitting down next to me and saying "Slow down Tash, stop trying to be everything and do everything. Focus on what is at hand and on living the way that I ask you to." I had to stop and take a moment. Yeah, a cut on my thumb really hurts, but if I let these things build up and become something that they're not, if I keep collecting memories of these offenses where the world seems to conspire against me - then I'm not going to be any good at the job I'm aiming to do.

I learned this summer while hiking out West that when these moments of 'epiphany' come, it's good for my soul, for my emotions, for my mental state, to take time out and cogitate on what I've been taught. I started thinking about when I first thought about psychology as a career and what 'attracted' me to the field of Trauma Psychology. The anniversary being so close, it was the events of 11 September 2001 that I believe first struck me with this. When unbelievable evil strikes in the world, when it seems that hatred is rife, when nation rises up against nation, when death seems to be conquering --that's when God needs His people to be His hands and feet, His voice of Hope, His fatherly arms, His sheltering wings. I've seen dozens of documentaries, youtube clips and raw-footage of the attacks that day - and each time, I see them, I want to reach out and offer practical support, a hug or a shoulder to those trying to live with the after-effects. Right now, because in the grand scheme of things I'm a student and have zilch in terms of qualifications, my only option is to pray for those survivors who remember the emergency workers and colleagues who didn't make it out, those New Yorkers battling cancer and various diseases from the collapse of the towers & buildings, pray for those who had loved ones killed in these attacks, and pray for those making decisions today about the interaction with other nations (be it political, humanitarian or military). I also pray for the psychologists out there who are working in this field of Trauma. That they would continue to see good in the world, to see positive outcomes in people's lives and to see God's love....so that they can bring hope to the dark places.

My thumb is okay, my homework awaits and I know that I needed to remember the pain of those people who need loving arms, kind words and a Mighty God - and who need me to work diligently, stay focused and get good grades so that one day I can be licensed. But above all that, I need to not let the little things bug me and I need to look for the good things in life so that one day, I can be there for someone who is caught up in a catastrophe and needs me to bring hope.

That's a motivating thought, both in terms of staying positive and also getting on with that homework!

"You need margins in your life..."

It has been a ka-ray-zee weekend. I have been pushing myself to work longer hours and get the school work done, telling myself that when Labor Day weekend arrived (a public holiday in the USA), I would be able to ease off everything, catch up on sleep and get a little more sanity in my life. Well. That didn't happen. Between a long list of homework assignments, working two jobs which both had significant 'happenings' this weekend and a car wreck (skidding in the down pouring remnants of Hurricane Isaac) - there was more added to my plate than I could cope with. I found myself freaking out about how to handle the situation - it pushed me to even contemplate dropping school FOREVER (dramatic tone!).   Fortunately, I have some family & friends who kindly but firmly reminded me that a) Don't make decisions when you're in shock and feeling emotional, b) Being a student involves times like this but persisting on this path is TOTALLY worth it and c) It is possible to tighten the belt a bit and cover these extra expenses and still remain sane, if you know your boundaries and priorities.

Cue a conversation with one of my professors today. She knew about my car crash and was checking I was okay and I asked her for her thoughts on all my musings from the weekend and my feelings of despondency. During our conversation she reminded me about what she termed 'margins' (aka "Wiggle Room" "Safety Nets") -
You often hear people talk about guarding your boundaries in life, and I thought that's what she meant when she said that I needed "margins" in my life. After a little further discussion, this was the analogy she used - you know when people have a swimming pool in their yard and they build a fence around it to keep children/animals from the dangers of drowning--well, you don't build the fence on the edge of the pool, you build it a couple feet away from the edge so that if the child/animal somehow manages to get over the fence, there is still a MARGIN of protection. Perhaps another example is where people say having the equivalent of 3 months salaries/$1000 in an emergency savings account would be a margin.

The conversation moved on and brought some helpful answers to issues I needed to address, including a reminder to ask for help and accept help from those willing to give it (a lesson I still need to learn). In particular, it was great to remember that there are steps I can take to give myself 'margins' financially, spiritually, socially, emotionally and every other kind of ally!

Who Influences You?

With my psychology classes well underway, we are delving into some hot topics, debatable issues and areas where strong opinions are held. One of the classes I am most excited about is called "Social Psychology" where we look at the social influences in virtually every sphere a person comes into contact with. The professor has some rather firm views about how we have been shaped and influenced, he admits he is a 'social determinist' and believes we are all the products of social influences we have had. You are not democratic or republican because of what you think of Obama or Romney - you are democratic or republican because the people in your life who you hold in highest esteem have persuaded you that one of these is the 'right party'.

Anyone who has ever been through a class with me knows I object to anything that is taught as a black-and-white issue. I queried whether he thinks we have any sort of personalized filtering system that would balance out what people around us say, and our own moral compass or self-governing questions. He politely pointed out that the very fact I asked this question highlights my own social experience of being around highly academic people who don't accept the first offering of information, but rather question and seek truth.  Well....I couldn't argue with that. It's true! I have been influenced by people who are often termed "over thinkers" or "philosophers".

It made me wonder if that's one of the reasons I find it so hard to make a life decision. It took me the best part of eight years to decide what sort of profession I would want to go into - and even now I still question it.   Where are the lines between thinking carefully and over-thinking, between contemplating thoroughly and over-analyzing? In recent years, although I love learning, I have found myself more and more frustrated and I wonder if it's because I refuse to accept something at face value. I always try to find the best way, or the most efficient process or the most comprehensive route....and while this is a fantastic work ethic, is it possible to sustain a life like this?

While there are many unanswerable questions, maybe it's worth taking some time out over the next few months to consider who are the people who have influenced the way I think. I know the few minutes I spent on this thought today certainly surprised me - of course my parents, my brother (and sister-in-law) and family all influenced me. What of my friends? My peers through school? How did what they say/do, whether kind or mean, how did that influence me. Are there things I need to let go of in order to progress? Are there things I need to re-learn in order to advance?   Don't panic! I'm not going to self-analyze, but I do think taking some time to reflect and see what unhealthy baggage I might be carrying around with me or what lessons I could learn from people who had a positive influence on me.  I'm also paying attention to the fact that I should be aware of who I am spending my time with, who can influence me --there are some pretty amazing people here in Ohio who I'm sure could have a positive influence if I let them!

Songs That Changed Me This Summer

Through the summer, I realized the powerful words that musician have used to express themselves and how I can relate to that. Several people I know have written songs/albums that inspired me and deeply moved me during the summer. These five songs changed my life this summer and to their writers I am grateful for helping me pour out my heart and grow from the experiences I've been through.

Mark Tedder - Pilgrim's Journey
"Take me deeper than the healing, further than the grieving, Jesus. Wake me, make more more than ever, hungry for your prensence first love"

Amy Duren - Rest
"Rest, lay your head down, the battle has been won, you no longer are bound, so won't you sit, sit with me. I will give you rest if you will find rest in me. I was with you in the desert, I'll be there when you rise on the mountain, my child one thing is certain, I will and have and always loved you...."

Al Gordon - Glorious
"You are the one I love, you're glorious, you have won my heart, you're glorious...face to face my life unveiled I worship you, you're my everlasting life, your glory captivates with brilliance brighter than the morning sun..."

Vicky Beeching - Break Our Hearts
"It's time for us to live the songs we sing, and turn our good intentions into actions, to bring the kind of worship you desire, and move beyond our self-absorbed distractions...break our hearts with the things that break your's, wake us up to see through your eyes..."

Andy Bromley - Love Mercy
"You have shown us what is good, through the message of your Son; show justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God...."